11:01 AM

It is January 2010

Happy New Year everybody!! I know it is sooo belated but heck, it is still January ;)

My resolution this year is NOT to have any resolutions. December 2009 was not a good month for me and the rest of my family members. We lost our beloved mum on 6th December, 2009 after struggling not more than 3 weeks of battle with Lung Cancer and Brain Tumor stage 4. It was a short, hectic and crazy 3 weeks i must say full with mixed emotions.

Denial... yes, we will always be in denial. I have not come to terms with my mum's passing. No, i have never referred to her as my "Late Mum", i still refer her as Mum... talk about denial. Tears of sadness... almost every other day ever since. Be it in the car, while reciting Yassin, before going to bed... you name it, i have done it all. I am happy that she did not have to go through the pain and suffering but i miss her, ALOT! I can still see her in her kitchen, in her room and everywhere. I can still hear her voice calling my name, scolding me or calling Aydin.

Aydin is feeling the absence more lately. He had fever a couple of days ago. Later at night, he requested to call Tokku (my dad). For the first time ever, i hear him actually had a proper conversation a the phone. He told Tokku he wanted to "sleep Tokku" (sleep with Tokku). Then he asked, "Mana Wen?" I am sure Dad had trouble answering that question. Then Aydin said, "Wen sakit, Aydin sakit". "Wen pegi mana?". "Mana Moksu?" (Moksu = my sis, Ezu). "Wen ikut Moksu." So after a 5-min conversation, he hung up. Later, he asked me again "Nak cakap Wen" (nak call and cakap phone dengan Wan). I was stumped. He used to ask to speak to Mum whenever he misses her. I didn't know what to do so i told him the usuals "Wen sakit. Wen pegi jalan-jalan jumpa Allah". Then he asked again, "Please mummy, nak cakap Wen". My heart was broken into pieces. How can i heal his pain of missing his Wen? So i repeated the same statement and tried to make him understand that his Wen is not around anymore.

I hope Aydin understand and not confusing the concept of "sakit" with death. He saw his Wen for the last time before we brought her to the hospital. Aydin salam and kissed Wen for the last time before she left for the hospital and i saw a smile on her face. He knew Wen sakit. I was sick last week. I had a very bad diarhea and threw up in front of Aydin. Aydin was worried when i was sick. He kept on asking, "Mummy sakit?". "Mummy sakit apa?". "Mummy tunggu ye. Nanti Ayah pegi doctor beli ubat mummy" with worried look on his face and in his voice. Luckily he did not see me in the hospital when i had drip tube attached to me. Luckily it was a short visit and i did not want to admit myself. To my surprise, he told everyone in his school that mummy was sick. His teacher asked Ayah if mummy was ok, that was how we found out. Eversince then, he will remind me every night before we go to bed that he wants mummy to send him to school. This is probably a way for him to ensure that mummy is ok. He is supper-attached to me lately. I tried to persuade him to sleep in the "boys room" with Arif but later he came into my room to check on me. Yesterday he told me, "tak nak boys room, nak mummy's room". He will sleep next to me, make sure he hugs me and i hug him properly neck-to-neck sometimes it suffocates me. He treated me like i am fragile. Arif is not allowed to hit me or hurt me or he will scold Arif. Even Ayah is not allowed to touch me. If he says something wrong or did anything wrong that will make me angry, he will quickly say "Sorry mummy".

Aydin is a very loving and caring boy. I hope he will grow up and stay that way. i will try not to spoil him and make him the typical "Mummy's boy" :)

I am feeling melancholy and blaming it on the BCP Yasmin i was taking hahaha...

Have fun people!!

1 comments:

kaezrin said...

yelah i pun on yasmin..mood swing giller